Crypto Bros & Loose Lips Sink Ships
One woman is emotionally drained working in a male-dominated environment & another is valuing other people’s opinions over her own
Hi everyone, welcome to my first post. Thanks so much for reading, subscribing, and submitting questions. I’ve answered two below that really stuck with me after I read them and I couldn't wait to answer. They happen to both be about career, but that’s just where my mind has been lately, especially with this launch coming up eeeek. So, if you like what you read, I would love it if you could share with a friend. And if you want to tell me what you think, I’d love to hear from you. K now let’s get into it.
Dear Aleen,
Do you have any advice on how to position/behave in a male-dominated environment? I am having trouble finding the right balance between being assertive and being myself - eg collaborative and soft. I work directly with C-level and most of them are quite intense alpha-male personalities (I’m in crypto so you can only imagine ) so I have to “up” my demeanor to get my message across. I love the work because I work on interpreting the law and implementing compliant and sound procedures in a wild environment, but men often try to strong-arm me into OK’ing something that’s borderline not legal, and don’t seem to take my advice seriously - unless I strong-arm them back, lower my voice, cut out the politeness. This makes me feel tired and frustrated after calls. My friend (lawyer at [redacted]) deals with the same type of issues, which makes me think it’s not just a crypto/compliance issue. Any guidance/help would be so helpful!! Thank you! So stoked for your Substack!
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I really love this question because I’m sure there are so many women who can relate, even with very different circumstances like you said. I can’t help but think that you’re experiencing a completely undiluted version of a bigger societal reality: we live in a man’s world. While my advice can’t change the environment or how your colleagues treat you, I hope my response can help you see this as a situational issue and not a *you* problem.
Being in your head because you have to constantly tell techy crypto bros “no” all day, I can only assume you are experiencing the height of the contrast in how men and women have been conditioned to behave externally, and also assess ourselves internally. I’m pointing this out only to put the situation in perspective and hopefully relieve at least some of the pressure, so you can ultimately direct some compassion towards the part of you that has been trying so hard to prove herself.
On a more practical level, let’s get into your workplace needs. I’ll start off by saying, I have mainly only worked with women, which I understand is quite rare. Yet I can still very much relate to that feeling of depletion after being “on” and having to present a tuned up version of myself. That said, I understand that’s a massive trade off for my job (though I’m pretty sure this goes for any job!). I’ll admit that I have to practice being a tuned up version of myself for certain situations such as public speaking on any size stage, going to big events, and really any form of small talk. But the key here is that it’s only sometimes – not daily, and its not a depletion due to frustration — that's an important distinction.
If this is something that really consumes your mental energy and impacts your emotional state consistently, this is the time to ask yourself: Do you like your job more than you dislike that feeling? I would urge you to really consider if you believe you can find what you love about your job but in a different environment. I hear you that these types of cultures exist all over, but I can guarantee they’re not everywhere. Perhaps you can find a company that is a little less male-dominated, or simply has a less pressured culture. You have very specific and highly relevant experience, and I’m guessing you would be quite in demand in the current job market. Not that I’m suggesting this is a good place to work, but I can point out a shit coin or two that could really use a compliance department.
If you do ultimately decide that you are more fulfilled in your current role than you are hindered by the environment, then let’s go to the practical.
Remind yourself that you’re there for a reason. You have an extremely important role, regardless of whether people in the company respect it, otherwise you wouldn't be there. So your value is an established fact, simply by your continued presence.
When you feel your ‘intense self’ coming on, maybe try a few big deep breaths, or whatever it takes to ground yourself before having one of those conversations that would normally drain you. I know, I know, did she really just say “take a few deep breaths”?! I was literally rolling my eyes at myself as I typed that. What I mean by that is do what you need to do in order to channel confident, direct, and calm energy without having to hype yourself up. Speak from your gut rather than the top of your chest. Then pick your battles. Choose the more important, high stakes moments where you really do have to up that demeanor, so that you don’t have to regularly expend as much of your own energy. I actually feel strongly that you can absolutely find a way to train yourself into speaking more directly without having to propel yourself into some form of inauthentic heightened and aggressive version of you. And the more you practice, and realize it actually bears the same results, you may find yourself wanting to do it more. (hi, again, speaking from experience!)
Take a few weeks and think about what you’re feeling. If this job isn’t it, take what you’ve learned from this experience and find something that aligns with what you have to offer, while also providing an environment that supports, rather than suppresses, your skills and growth.
I hope this helps, and please write back in with an update, I’d love to hear if any of this resonates and even works! And who knows, maybe someone in this community may have suggestions for companies looking for a hard core betch to lead their compliance.
Aleen
Dear Aleen,
I heard Lo Bosworth on a podcast (lol so betchy) talking about how the best business advice she ever got was from her dad: "loose lips sink ships." My understanding of this advice is that sharing information can have consequences, but I struggle to find the balance. I want to talk to the people closest to me about my ideas. I want their feedback and I want to feel their interest as motivation. Sometimes, though, their immediate reactions can be disappointing and demotivating. Even if they don't outright give an opinion, I can usually tell if they think it's a good idea.
My question: is it ever a good idea to discuss your business ventures with someone who's not directly involved?
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Okay so first of all, love the Lo Bosworth reference. Unrelated but Jordana and I once met her at a bar and she was lovely. Let me find the pic.
Now on to your question. I have a lot to say about this topic because I relate to it on a deep level as I can hear my younger self in your question. First let me say, there are definitely circumstances in which talking about your business ventures with someone who’s not directly involved is a good idea, but I also think that Lo’s dad was right that there are some circumstances where it can derail you. I don’t think it’s about balance necessarily, but more about 1) trust 2) impact.
Let’s start with trust. “Loose lips sink ships” refers to using discretion when speaking about something you have going on. In other words, don’t be so free and careless with what you share, because you never know what the other person will do with that information. My guess is that your concerns with sharing information have less to do with fear of corporate espionage (lolz) than how being exposed to someone else’s opinion might affect you going forward.
Assuming you trust someone in general, crowd sourcing opinions is fine, but I think you should narrow down those trusted advisors based on personal expertise. Like yes I care about my mom’s opinions (maybe a little too much), but she's an OBGYN and literally just learning how to use Instagram, so whenever she has *something* to say about Betches’ content (Mom, I know you’re reading, hi love you), I take it with a massive grain of salt, and it usually does not sway me. That said, if my co-founder Sami has an opinion about a piece of content, I would trust that (and especially over any gynecological advice she might have). I know that feels so obvious, but it’s harder to practice that discernment when you’re excited about an idea and want to share it with everyone you love.
Now onto impact: It also really depends on the situation and whether the person you’re confiding in will have a practical and positive impact on your decision making. If you’re trying to crowd-source a completely new idea for a business, you should pull market data of your target demo. You can use your close friends' opinions as data points if they’re in the relevant demo, but not as the only opinions that matter to you. Because imagine going on Shark Tank and you’re like, Well my mom and my 3 friends from 7th grade both really liked it. My dad didn’t really say much, but he’s not exactly the demo, but whatever. I’m seeking 5 million dollars!
When in doubt, I would err on the side of caution. You can always share something later, but you can’t un-share it. Ask yourself: Will sharing my idea with this person actually achieve anything, or am I potentially seeking validation? Don’t get me wrong, we all need a little reassurance sometimes (I definitely sent this first post to a few people for their *thoughts*), but what matters is the impact it has on you when you hear that feedback, and whether or not you rely on it.
On that point, I want to address one more observation from your email - it sounds like you might potentially weigh other peoples opinions over your own. For example, you said “I want to feel their interest as motivation” and “even if they don't outright give an opinion, I can usually tell if they think it's a good idea.” I sense your anxiety and fear of betting on a bad idea, and maybe you think you’ll feel okay if you get sufficient pre-approval. I hate to break it to you: even if you did get 100% glowing feedback from everyone you ask, this will never be enough motivation or information to sustain the realities of a long term business project, where even the most amazing idea can fail. The good news is that it doesn’t matter, because learning to seek answers from within yourself is potentially the most important skill to cultivate as a business leader, and one that you’ll need to use every day of your working life. Getting feedback, vetting it, and then choosing what to ultimately do with it, will have to come from you. Successful people in business all do the same: they take in all the info and opinions, but then they do what they want. So, hear people out, but don’t let them dictate what you believe is right.
Transparently, I have definitely let other people’s opinions affect my decisions in the past, and it has impacted my decision making process negatively. Relying on feedback from others has made me not only question myself, but it’s made my instincts and internal voice quieter. Practically speaking, it caused me to waver for too long, and in turn made decision making take longer, which is definitely not great for business. Funnily enough, becoming a mom violently chucked me into a deep pool of other people’s opinions, one in which I had to quickly figure out how to swim by learning how to hear and trust my own voice. Now, I have confidence in my instincts and the decisions they’ve guided me towards. The best part is that once you’ve worked on tuning into and trusting yourself, the emotional bite of other people’s opinions (whether negative or complimentary) is removed from how you feel about yourself and the moves you’re making. To be honest, I’m still very much a work-in-progress on this point, but I can’t even tell you how freeing it is once you get a taste, and you’ll want to keep leaning into it.
And finally, here’s the real secret: there is rarely one right answer. As a self-proclaimed functioning perfectionist, this is something I’ve had to learn to deal with. There can be multiple answers, but the right one is the one that you picked by tuning into your instincts.
Hope that helps. But like I said, don’t take my word for it.
Aleen
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See you next Sunday.
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