Do You Have to Censor Your Personality to Be Taken More Seriously at Work?

a founder gets acquired and wonders if she has to change her demeanor to fit in at her new company

Hi everyone

Thank you so much for all the love on the last post. I really appreciated you all sharing your personal stories with me. It’s wild how we’re all just going THROUGH. IT…but quietly…

This week I received another submission that was quite relatable! Do we have to shift our relatable demeanor to be taken more seriously at work? Let’s go.

---

Hi Aleen,

My question is really around balancing what you share and remaining true to yourself.

Context: I went through an acquisition last year - my solopreneurship got acquired into a larger company and I stayed on as a partner and the COO. It's probably relevant to say all my business partners and investors are men (and generally, this has been a great and supportive experience).

Recently, I am feeling like I am struggling with balancing "keeping it real" and "being professional". I have always tried to be authentic to my challenges / growing pains as a mom, business owner, friend, what have you. I don't have a crazy Instagram following or anything, but I would say I'm perceived as a leader and have always been relatable. I love being a woman and it is so integral to my why - but lately I am feeling self-doubt and anxiety around staying true to that "real, chaotic, hot mess" persona while also growing into an executive and business partner.

Since we started raising capital and pitching new investors, I feel like I need to adapt. I've gotten feedback that I could keep my cards closer to my chest and that I use humour to downplay my skill set. I'm really struggling to find the balance of growing as a business woman (and being a total bad bitch) and also staying true to myself and being relatable to others.

Did you have this stress when you were selling Betches? Since you sold your company, do you feel like you need to balance this as the CEO? When is humour part of who we are versus a defense mechanism?

Thank you for taking the time!

xx

—

First, congrats on your acquisition! That’s fucking amazing and I applaud you. It’s not an easy decision or process to sell your company and you already are a ~bad bitch~ for it.

I totally hear you on this struggle. I get in my head about it all the time. The tough part is that when I’m in my head about it, I tend to overcompensate and my demeanor will become so closed off that it strains the connections I made when I was being myself in the first place. This happens even though I know, intellectually, that when we embrace and embody our true selves, that’s when all the good things start to happen.

I feel very strongly that for you to be the best leader you can be, it’s essential that you lean into what makes you you, because that’s what draws people in and creates connection.

Of course, there’s a difference between letting your personality shine and being unprofessional (e.g., being disrespectful, bringing up non-work appropriate topics, or otherwise violating the company code of conduct). But I feel as though the specific feedback you mentioned -- humor as a defense and keeping your cards closer -- sounds less about professionalism and more about “executive presence” and the tone of your communication. The only flag for me was that you referred to your persona as “real, chaotic” and a “hot mess”.

I’d take some time to think about where this specific language comes from, because I assume they didn’t call you a hot mess in your performance review. Is this an identity you somehow adopted when you were younger, maybe as an attempt to reframe a perceived “flaw” or insecurity as a strength, or is it a label that was put on you by others earlier in life? How does your “chaotic hot mess” behavior manifest at work? Is this something you can tweak by slowing down in each moment, practicing some organizational tactics, and taking the time to think before jumping into action? In addition to being authentically you, I strongly believe self-development is also an essential part of becoming a great leader and it all starts with self-reflection.

From the little that I know, the fact that they kept you on after you sold your business suggests to me that you a) clearly have what it takes to grow as an executive there and b) you can’t be that big of a hot mess. I recommend that the next time you’re receiving feedback, ask for some concrete examples so you can truly understand their perception of how you show up. Is it possible that they don’t actually think you’re a hot mess and are just giving you a few areas of improvement to support your growth (since you said they have been supportive in the past)?

Regarding the feedback about humor as deflection - I have definitely done that (and sometimes still do). But I also use humor to connect. I try to limit the former and only practice the latter at work because it’s much more effective. When you’re tempted to use humor to downplay an achievement, try pausing and instead of making a joke, say ‘thanks’ and smile in response. Using humor at work is a very important skill (one that many can’t execute!) but so is being comfortable allowing yourself to settle in the silence. It’s not your job to make people feel comfortable all the time and sometimes letting the conversation ~breathe~ creates the space for the other person to share more. Feel out each situation to gauge which tool is appropriate. With practice, I promise you’ll gain confidence in your communication, and your jokes may even land better.

This kind of soft skill development isn’t all or nothing. At the very least, everyone has room to improve how we communicate both verbally and nonverbally. Clear, inspiring communication is a skill, and while preparation and experience can help you deliver your message more concisely and confidently, good communicators know the key to getting an audience (of any size) engaged is to connect with them, and in order to connect with them you have to…wait for it… be yourself.

There are so many famous orators in the world and they all speak and sound completely different. The reason they can all be great, but also different in style, is because they each embrace their personal quirks and use them in concert with their strengths, rather than try to stifle or overcompensate for them. I understand the temptation to try the latter, but the reality is that people can see it (or at least sense it).

My point is that the choice is not to either be your wild and fully unfiltered relatable self OR adjust in order to grow as a business woman. It’s AND. In fact, you have to do both to unleash all of your leadership potential. I promise that you can be both relatable and uniquely yourself while practicing to improve the way you communicate. One thing that always comes up when I’m reflecting on my own communication style, and I happen to know many female leaders feel the same, is the question: would I receive the same feedback if I was a man? The answer is probably somewhere in between yes and no, but I don’t let myself sit in that headspace for too long because it’s unhelpful for achieving my goal, which like yours, is to become a great leader. I too am proud to be a woman and I believe one of the reasons I will be a great leader is because I am one.

Back to the feedback. Once you get more concrete examples and clearer on the commentary you received, before you do anything to adjust, get really quiet and try to listen to what your gut is telling you. Ask yourself if the feedback that you’re receiving is reasonable. Do you believe the feedback will help you become the leader you want to grow into? If their feedback ultimately feels inauthentic and misaligned with who you are, perhaps you’re meant for a different type of culture or management team, or maybe entrepreneur life is the only one for you.

Remember, even after you sell your business, you’re still an entrepreneur. There is really something to the stereotype of the frazzled, erratic, but also incredibly savvy entrepreneur, and sometimes that means a founder and their investors go together like oil and water. It’s possible you’re just not one for corporate life, and that’s okay too. So if they’re asking you to change your entire personality to fit into their new culture, then it may no longer be a fit. However (and this is a big however), if the pre-acquisition culture of the business is what led it to be successful in the first place, and the changes that the new owners implement are harming (and potentially tanking) the company, then it’s clear that *they* are not the fit. This actually happens often and why you hear about founders who buy back their companies.

You’re the solopreneur of your solopreneurship so, really only you can say.

Good luck and keep me posted,

Aleen

If you have a question you’d like me to answer please email it to hi@aleen.co or dm me @aleen