How to Not Judge Your Friends for Their Big Life Choices

A mom and career ~woman~ wants to know how to deal with judging her friends who are choosing to quit their jobs to be stay at home moms

Hey hey, welcome back and thank you for reading and subscribing. Fun one today. Please let me know in the comments if you’re going through something similar or if you have any advice to add. Let’s get into it.

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Hi Aleen!

I’ve loved listening to your podcasts and reading this new advice column. I’ll get straight into my question:

I’m in my mid-30s, am a parent to two young kids, and am in management at a _______ company. I’m incredibly proud of my family and career, and am lucky to have a husband with a (probably more!) demanding career as a physician who supports me in mine.

Here’s where my question comes in – over the last few years, I’ve seen many of my girlfriends take a step back from working to focus on their kids, either leaving their job or moving to part time. I realize every decision is personal and a culmination of many factors, including their own job satisfaction, a societal lack of support for families and the rising cost of childcare, and yet – I am so, so sad for them. I’m sad for my friends who are losing a part of their identity that they spent the last 15 years cultivating. I’m sad that should they want to return to work eventually, it’ll be an uphill battle to find similar roles, despite their exhaustive resumes and advanced degrees. And most of all, I’m sad that THEY, and not their husbands, are expected to be the ones to sacrifice their career for their children.

There’s obviously a lot of joy that also comes with this decision, and I find I’m having a hard time focusing on that aspect and being a supportive and enthusiastic friend when (yet another!) friend gives me a similar life update. How would you recommend reframing this for myself and being a more supportive and less judgmental friend?

Thank you ❤️

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Hi

Thank you for listening to my podcast, writing in, and admitting to being a judgy biyatch. Just kidding, we’re all a bunch of judgy biyatches.

There’s so much at play here, and I completely understand your frustration. But I do think it’s important to separate your feelings about your friends’ individual choices from your broader anger at society and the systemic issues that shape these decisions. This is such a common scenario among heterosexual parents: the woman by default, who may be at the same professional level as her husband, steps out of the workforce because childcare costs exceed her salary. When she returns, her partner is miles ahead professionally, while she’s starting back where she left off, or even further behind. If childcare were more affordable or subsidized, if American work culture weren’t so intense, if gender roles weren’t still so deeply entrenched… things might look different. But we live in the reality we have. And if you want to see change, getting involved politically is a great start. My co-founder, Sami, actually wrote a book filled with practical tips on how to take action on causes you care about. Here’s the link.

I know that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface, but the way I try to approach overwhelming societal problems is to take them step by step and keep things practical: What can I influence? And what can I influence right now? That mindset helps me navigate the big, heavy frustrations, the ones that feel too complex and distant but still impact me deeply, like how our society treats motherhood and work.

And yet, none of that solves the more personal issue you brought up: how you feel about your friend’s decision.

So let’s talk about that.

It sounds like you’re coming from a good place, but it’s possible that you're projecting some of your own ambition onto your friend. I know many women who’ve chosen to pause or slow down their careers, not because they were forced to, but because they wanted to spend more time with their kids while they’re young. Just yesterday, I was talking to a friend on our commute home (naturally). She told me she has a great, flexible job, but she doesn’t want to move up. A more senior role would mean longer hours, higher childcare costs, and less time with her kids. So she asked, “Is it worth it?” Her answer, at least for now, was no. You acknowledged that every decision is nuanced, and I agree. But I also think it’s important to remember that not everyone shares your values. You can be proud of your career and want to take a step back.

Now, and stay with me for a sec — is it possible that your charged reaction is actually rooted in questioning your own path? Maybe their choices are stirring up doubt about your decision to stay the course. Guilt has a sneaky way of showing up like that. For instance, sometimes on my hour long commute home, I have this little inner voice that loves to suddenly pop up and say, “I could be with my kids right now. Why am I doing this?” Honestly, I’m getting emotional typing this. Even after all I’ve achieved, that guilt still creeps in. It continues, “I’m missing the most formative years. Am I going to regret this? What does this say about me as a mom?”

It’s such a heavy and frankly *annoying* intrusive thought. But I know myself well enough to know that it’s not me speaking to me, but instead external thoughts that I’ve internalized dictating to me how I should feel. I remind myself that I can both love my kids and cherish our time together and dislike being a stay-at-home mom. I know for a fact that I am not cut out for it. And more importantly, I love what I do, and I’m good at it. I also know that I value contributing to the world in a way that’s bigger than me. I WANT my kids to see that about me. So I let those unwanted thoughts dissolve into nothingness, quickly question if I’ve been visibly talking to myself publicly this whole time, laugh assuming that I have, and I keep walking to my train.

Me to my intrusive-thought-voice

That said, if a bunch of my friends suddenly left the workforce, I’d probably start questioning my own choices, too. That kind of shift would rattle anyone. And that discomfort can easily morph into judgment of them, or worry that they’re judging you for staying. That projection goes both ways.

Just remember: people evolve. Values shift. Your friends may have gone through the same internal debate and come to a different conclusion, maybe they realized they don’t love their jobs enough to justify the trade-offs. And once you accept that, you might find yourself facing a harder question: are you and your friends still aligned in your values? Can you support your friend knowing they don’t value work the way you do? Can they support you knowing you’re choosing a different path?

If you’re feeling that tension, maybe bring it up over a drink. Vulnerability opens the door to connection and connection is what dissolves judgment. If you can open up about your experience, your guilt, your fear that they might view you differently, it might invite them to share more openly too. You might come to understand that they’re not sad or lost… they’re actually happy and at peace with their choice.

But the worst thing you can do is offer unsolicited opinions or frame your judgment as pity. “I’m just sad for them” sounds like concern, but it often lands as condescension. That will backfire fucking fast.

So if you’re not ready to have that open conversation, here’s what I suggest:

1. Reaffirm your own choice.

2. Trust that your friends are doing what’s best for them and their families.

3. Let the convo stay open. When they’re ready to share more, they will.

You’re not alone in feeling this. It’s all so layered and complicated. But you’ve already taken the first step by thinking deeply and reaching out. That matters.

With love,
Aleen

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