How to stop being a people pleaser.

A working mom is overwhelmed and burnt out from all of the things she's taken on in her life because she doesn't want to disappoint others.

Apr 14, 2025

Hiiya! I know I know, post is late. Passover was Saturday and that’s when I usually write. So here we are, reading about how to not be a people pleaser on a Monday morning on the way to work! Let me know if this resonates.

Hi Aleen

I need tips on how to stop being such a people pleaser as a working mom. Right now I feel like I’m filling my plate to a point of overflowing just to keep everyone happy! I desperately need to learn how to say no in a professional setting without looking lazy and also how to stop volunteering for every class activity, sport, birthday party, hosting every play date, etc while still staying involved and keeping kids happy/ stimulated.

For example: at work (I work in accounting at a software company) I’ve been “happily” balancing the workloads of other employees who have left our team which gives no incentive for them to backfill the empty roles. But I don’t want to look like a complainer/like I can’t handle it, so I don’t speak up about it. Meanwhile, at home, I’m also always hosting the playdates and organizing holiday/group events to the point where people just expect that I’ll host/coordinate logistics and don’t bother offering their house anymore. They know I LOVE to host, but it’s tons of work with two littles. My control freak / type A personality is backfiring LOL. Help, I’m running on fumes here.

Thanks so much - your content is amazing and I’ve been following from the original college betch list days!! Btw, if you use this, could my name be changed if anything?

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Hi!
Okay wow, I’m so glad you wrote to me. First of all, you are absolutely not alone in this, not even close. And I really believe I can help, because I’ve been there. I hope this totally shifts your perspective, because when I went through something similar, it completely changed my life.

People pleasing isn’t all that bad.

You put others first, and that’s an amazing quality. Don’t ever lose that. But you’re clearly doing it at the expense of your own well-being. And here’s the thing: I’m not on board with that Instagram-style “be the main character, cut everyone off” pop-therapy. But like Kate Winslet in The Holiday, I do think you could use a little more of that “main character energy,” because right now, it sounds like you’re stuck in full-on supporting actress mode.

So here’s what I think:

We show people how to treat us.

You describe yourself as a control freak, but it sounds like you’re not really in control of the things that actually matter to you. So instead, you're probably focusing your control on the low-stakes stuff, like planning playdates or managing everyone’s holidays.

Reminder, you are in control of your life. But right now, the fear of disappointing people is doing all of the controlling! People are taking advantage of your kindness because you are letting them. You’re being pushed over because you refuse to stand up for yourself. You’re asking for permission instead of clearly stating your needs.

A small but powerful example: at the end of your message, you wrote, “Btw, if you use this, could my name be changed if anything?” I totally get what you meant, but what you were really trying to say was, “Please keep me anonymous.” And that’s a totally fair and reasonable ask! But by phrasing it as a question, you gave me the option to say no. That’s what I mean by asking instead of asserting. Even when it’s your own story, your own name, your own boundary, you still handed over the control. Flip it. Be direct. Don’t apologize for your own needs. And of course, I’m more than happy to keep you anon.

Assertive is not Aggressive.

This took me time to learn, but it’s one of the most important things: being assertive is not the same as being aggressive or rude. It doesn’t mean yelling or being mean or coming in hot. It means calmly and clearly stating what you’re okay with and what you’re not. You said you’re scared of seeming lazy or incapable, I hear that. But the wild part is that when you start asserting your needs, people usually start respecting you more. Because you’re showing them that you respect yourself.

That’s really the core of it. We teach people how to treat us. Right now, you’re teaching people, at work and at home, that you’re willing to carry it all because you don’t want to let anyone down. But in the process, you’re letting yourself down. Most people probably aren’t doing this intentionally, but they can sense when someone else won’t push back, so they’ll push more and more until you’re down and out. Don’t be a punching bag, push back! Respectfully, yes. But firmly.

I want you to try this to see what happens:

An exercise to get back in control.

Grab a pen and paper. Make a list with two columns:

Things I do now that I want to keep doing
Things I do now that I don’t want to be doing

No one’s going to see this but you, so be brutally honest. Brain dump everything. Even include people on the lists, like someone you talk to that drains you, or someone you wish you talked to more. Once you’ve got that down. Take the “don’t want to be doing” list and split that into two new columns:

Things I must do
Things I can let go of

That final list, the one with all the things you can let go, is what you need to change. But make a plan. Next to each of those items, write just one or two sentences per about how you’ll let go and when. Like, you don’t need to say yes to every kid birthday party. So give yourself some type of rule: Ex: decrease to two per month or rsvp yes only if you’ve heard the kid’s name at least once before. And if you’re hosting playdates every weekend and it’s too much, decide what’s reasonable for you, maybe it’s once a month, and then draft a text you can send next time planning comes up. Something like: “Hey! Work’s been nuts lately so I’m scaling back. I can only do one playdate a month right now. Think you can do the next one?” FYI you can still be involved without having to host. Those other moms for whom you’re hosting sure are!

And for the sake of my sanity, please do not end the text with “if that’s ok?” It does not need to be okay with them. You’re not asking permission, you’re communicating a boundary. If you absolutely must, try “hope that’s okay!” It still sounds friendly but it’s a statement, not a question. Make sure to give yourself target dates to implement each one so you actually follow through.

Take advantage of your situation.

Let’s talk about what’s going on at work. You said you don’t want to complain because you don’t want to seem like you can’t handle it. But like, can you actually handle it? Because from what you wrote, it sounds like you’re not just annoyed. You’re overwhelmed. Are you being asked to do the job of multiple people? I understand that sometimes it's possible they were being inefficient but even so, is that actually sustainable for anyone?

Here are some of your options:

Talk to your manager and say, “This workload isn’t sustainable. We need to bring someone else on. When I work, I like to create something I am proud of which means it has to meet a high standard in quality and this situation risks that.” Notice how I didn’t say, “If I go on like this I will make mistakes”. Those two sentences mean the same thing, but the former carries way more power. Then, tell them how much longer you can handle it for - give them a deadline.
If it is manageable, and you’re just crushing it quietly, then ask for a raise. You’re saving the company the cost of multiple full-time salaries. That deserves recognition.
Or go with both: tell them it’s not sustainable as is, but you’ve come up with a more efficient solution. Maybe they only need to replace one of the roles, and the rest can stay on your plate if you’re promoted and properly compensated for managing it.

The point is: they can’t think of you as lazy because you’re showing up and you’re doing the work. In some companies they might eliminate roles but redistribute the work to make the business run more efficiently. But if this is not what is happening, and you’re truly just getting the shit end of the stick, then you’re being taken advantage of. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use this situation and make it work for you.

It’s all in the comms.

Changing the way you communicate, even a little, is insanely powerful. Watch your phrasing. Drop the word “just” when describing what you’re doing. Stop asking people for permission when they never had authority in the first place (btw, you grant them authority when you ask for permission). And stop apologizing when there’s nothing to be sorry for.

Practice in small moments. Start by asking yourself, “Is this a reasonable thing to want or need?” The answer will almost always be yes. I know this is random but another fun way to practice: when you’re ordering food with someone, don’t ask them what they want first. State what you want first, and then ask them. I know this sounds dumb, but I used to always ask my husband first and work around what he wanted. After a long day of work I had severe decision fatigue and I just thought this made things easier. But then I’d get frustrated when he didn’t ask me what I wanted. Eventually I realized that I was the one who set this dynamic! So I just started practicing stating what I wanted. And now? He asks! Sometimes he’s into what I want, sometimes he’s not, but I feel so much more satisfied.

Listen, wanting the people around you to be happy isn’t a bad thing. But constantly putting their needs ahead of your own? That builds resentment. And it sneaks up in weird ways, like relationship dissatisfaction, or burnout, or even just low-key frustration you can’t quite name.

You can still be thoughtful, loving, and generous. You don’t have to stop being any of those things. But you also don’t need to be a people pleaser. You can make people happy without sacrificing yourself.

Lead with your needs. And I promise, people won’t be offended and will even catch on and follow.

Please follow up and let me know how this goes!

Aleen

As always, submit your question for me to answer at hi@aleen.co and @aleen on instagram.