What to do when your work BFF gets promoted & starts treating you like sh*t!?
Good morning! Missed you all last Sunday. We have a good one this week, so I’m going right in.
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Hi Aleen
My boss is also a bff but she can give me nasty passive aggressive comments at work. How to deal?
She is five years older than me and started as a mentor and she now has become like a big sister. But she’s also still my boss so the lines are definitely blurred. Outside of work we jive like two peas in a pod. Even at work, most of the time it’s fine. But she got a promotion in the fall, and her attitude has changed in a lot of ways. Almost like she’s now too big for her britches. I work in M&A and work my TAIL off. Like 50-60 hours a week usually and do my best. I will send her something to review (often times late at night for her review the next morning) and will get a comment back like “no. This will not work. Try again.” Or “did you review your work before sending this to me? This needs to be better.” “The answer here is obvious so I’m not sure why you’re asking this question”
And I just take it but tbh I’m getting to a breaking point. But too worried about hurting our friendship to say something. What should I do?
Friends and business, my speciality! As you all know I started Betches 14 years ago with two of my closest childhood friends. Navigating the dynamics of working together was a slow, up-and-down process that was ever changing because not only did the needs of the business constantly change, but so did we. No matter how you slice it, it’s a complex and complicated situation, but it can also be an extremely rewarding one if treated right. So, I hope you know that you’re not crazy for feeling hurt, because clearly your situation isn’t being treated right, plus you’re also dealing with a power imbalance as a cute little cherry on top! But I also hope you know that it is totally reparable.
I have a sneaking suspicion that when she was promoted, neither of you had the “talk.” I.e. a conversation when you both lay down what it will be like going forward and what the expectations are of each other. Like, does she want to be more professional at work? Do you want to keep it friendly? Now that your working dynamic has shifted, it would have been really helpful if you both sat down and talked about what you both need from each other moving forward. There are clearly emotions floating about that are creating extreme resentment, probably on both sides, considering how she’s speaking to you, so this type of convo is necessary.
The good thing is that it's not too late. You can have the talk now, but have it soon before it boils over and one of you snaps. But before I share some advice on how to go about that convo, let’s zoom out and think about her side for just a sec.
Her Perspective
While her passive-aggressive comments aren’t cool, they’re probably not coming out of nowhere. Here’s one possibility: she just got promoted, which means she’s under more pressure, more scrutiny, and probably more insecure than she’s letting on. If she’s not totally confident in her new position, or feels like she needs to prove herself to higher-ups, she might be overcompensating by trying to “perform authority.” And sometimes, the easiest way people do that is by being unnecessarily harsh to those below them. It’s a common leadership move, especially for new managers.
Add to that the fact that you two are close. Which means that in her mind, you might feel like “the safest” person to be a little unfiltered with. That’s not fair to you, obviously. Her logic (even if it’s subconscious) might be: “I don’t have to coddle her, she knows I love her.”
There’s also the possibility that she’s feeling the weight of needing to differentiate herself from you now. Especially if your dynamic started out mentor/mentee and has grown into more of a peer vibe. If she’s not fully secure in that shift, she might be pulling rank in small, sharp ways to re-establish a sense of control. Again, not cool. But also, not personal.
And finally, there is the very strong possibility that even though you are working as hard as you say, the quality is not up to par and due to all the above, she’s not communicating that with you appropriately. Yes it’s a curt delivery, but it is also unhelpful. What many new managers don’t understand is that once they take on the responsibility as manager, their team's success suddenly becomes a reflection of their own performance and therefore is their responsibility! It is on her to not only tell you something is not good, but also why, and how to make it better. After all, a leader is only as good as their team.
The Talk
What’s particularly interesting to me is that if she was once your mentor why has she stopped mentoring? Like, if you have this close relationship, why is she suddenly acting like a stranger? This makes me think that the reality of the situation is a combination of all the above and the best medicine for tense dynamics between close friends is a straightforward honest clear-the-air conversation.
So, let me help walk you through that:
Reach out to her on a day that’s not as busy and ask to grab a coffee or lunch. Say something’s been on your mind and you’d really like to talk with her.
When you sit down say “I really value our relationship and friendship. You’ve been an invaluable mentor to me turned close friend and I need to get something off my chest.” But remember, she is your boss which means you should start off formal/ professional and then follow her lead.
“First, when you got promoted I was so happy for you and so excited to work for you (whether or not that’s true not sure but it’s nice to butter a bit) but lately, when you give me feedback, it makes me feel particularly small. As you know, I care so much about my career, and I want to continue to grow, but for me to do that it would be extremely helpful if as my boss you can share direction along with your feedback. Clear, specific actionable ways I can improve. So with that said, I want to make sure that you know I’m extremely open to honest feedback and hope that our close relationship doesn’t dissuade you from being honest with me. With that said, is there anything you want to get off your chest about how I’ve been performing? And can you please share with me on how I can do better?”
Give her a beat, see what she says! Remember to stick with how you feel and what you need *but as an employee*.
You might be thinking, “but Aleen, we’re close! why am I talking to her about work when we’re FRIENDS we should be able to say anything to each other!” Because once you throw career and money in the mix, it’ll never be as simple as “we’re friends.” Because you’re having issues at work, this is a work thing first, friendship thing second. This may be hard to hear but she may be valuing her career over your friendship at the moment, and that’s fine. The best way to get through to people is to know what drives them and where they’re coming from so you can speak the same language. Since your goal is for her to open up, go in talking about work and then I’m sure it’ll become about your friendship next.
Unless she’s going through something even bigger and other unexpected personal dynamics are at play, I strongly believe she’ll soften up to you and you’ll get your answers. At the very least your work environment will be better and at the most your personal relationship will improve.
Hopefully that helps. And I must know what happens next so keep me posted!
Aleen
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